Today Has Been A Bad Day As A Working Mum

Today has been a bad day.

I often write posts that are designed to empower you as a working parent but today I can’t bring myself to do it. I had one in mind but I also promised honesty on my blog.

And so, today I’m going to be honest.

You see, I miss my baby.

I miss her so much when I’m away from her that it’s like an actual physical pain. A large knotted feeling in the back of my throat where my tears collect. It has consumed me since I returned from maternity leave and today for some reason I’ve allowed it to swallow me whole.

I knew it would be a bad day because when Monday crept up on me, so did the familiar feeling of dread.

Yesterday was spent inhaling every single second with her, wishing that I could press a pause button on the day. When Tuesday rolled around (my first day in the office) I had already braced myself for impact, knowing that I was going to struggle.

And struggle I have.

When my alarm went off I thought about calling in sick. I didn’t do it.

When the shower went on I thought about ringing my mortgage company to ask for a break on my payments so I could lower my outgoings. I didn’t do it.

When I woke her and inhaled her soft, warm, squishy babyness I thought about handing in my resignation and making do somehow. I didn’t do it.

When I left her to go to work I thought about howling like I had lost my right arm. I did do that.

All day I thought about her. Missed her. Wanted to bury my face in her sticky little kisses.

What was she doing? What did she eat for her lunch? Was she throwing food at Grandma too? Was she causing bum-shuffling devastation or playing nicely with her books?

Did her heart hurt a little when she opened her  eyes from her nap to find it wasn’t Mummy looking back at her?

Did she miss me too and wonder where I had gone?

I’m sure she did. You inherently know these things about your children because they are a part of you and you them.

Tomorrow will be worse. I am due to go away on a business trip – just for the day but it’s long enough that I will leave too early and return too late to see her.

I find that thought unbearable right now. Unnatural.

I don’t have the answers apart from that I know that I have to suck it up and get on with it.

So tomorrow I will plaster on a fake smile and shut away the part of me that wants to resign, run home and scoop my baby up in my arms again. I will shut out the mother in me. That’s what you have to do to survive the bad days.

And today was a bad day.

 

 

 

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65 Comments

  1. January 17, 2017 / 7:01 pm

    Hope you’re doing okay. When I’m not with my children I miss them every second of every minute of every hour of every day, so I know where you’re coming from. Be strong and know that time when you’re together is so precious.
    Plus when they’re a stroppy teenager? Oh you’ll wanna take ALL the business trips. 😉
    @adadcalledspen recently posted…20 questions with… @SwaziRodgersMy Profile

  2. January 17, 2017 / 7:48 pm

    Ohhhhhh….just offering you a huge hug! I always felt like this when I went to work when my daughter was a little one. Some days were good, and somedays…I would have to take a quick trip to the restroom, give a good cry, then head back out and continue managing my team. This is what us working moms do. Xo

  3. Julia
    January 17, 2017 / 7:54 pm

    This post really made me feel for you. You are doing the very best you can so keep your chin up, All will work out I’m sure, you are a brilliant mum

  4. January 17, 2017 / 8:15 pm

    Oh you poor thing. This made me cry a bit because I’ve had a day like that too. I was so stressed out this morning that I became convinced I’d left my daughter in the car and that she’d freeze. So I had to call the nursery to check she was there… 5 minutes after I dropped her off. I’m sure they thought I was bad but they were very kind. Then I nearly cried walking down to a busy platform.

    So you are not alone and you’re right that there are some days where being a working mum is almost impossibly hard. But you’re also right that we just have to get through it!

    I hope your trip tomorrow goes okay. It’ll be Thursday morning before you know it xxx
    Angela Watling recently posted…Rocking MotherhoodMy Profile

  5. January 18, 2017 / 11:15 am

    This post breaks my heart. I hope you settle into work soon. It does get easier but I remember all those feels so well. Sending love x
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  6. January 19, 2017 / 8:47 am

    Oh this brought tears to my eyes! I looked at my baby sleeping next to me and makes me wish time would stop more than ever, I can’t bear the thought of going back to work! Well done for getting through it x

  7. January 20, 2017 / 6:39 pm

    I feel so bad for you. When I went back to work I paid a friend to childmind for me, she’d have to come over early as it would take me forever to leave the house. It was so so hard. It did get better, but ultimately I couldn’t keep it up. I’m now self employed and my daughter is either with me all day, or just with grandma for an hour and a half. It is so much easier. And I was so lucky to have that option. I hope it gets easier for you.

  8. January 21, 2017 / 8:23 am

    Oh Fiona. Totally get where you’re coming from as I’m sure a lot of parents do. Sunday night feelings are the worst. I’ve recently been away from my children and I think I could listed so many things I miss about them each day. Love your honesty. Xx #fortheloveofBLOG
    Sunita recently posted…How I felt about travelling away from my children for the first timeMy Profile

  9. January 21, 2017 / 8:32 am

    Oh Fi, I am sending you big hugs. I remember this feeling well. It does get easier but I know that it is probably not what you want to hear. A beautifully written post that will help others who are feeling the same. Lots of love xxxx #ForTheLoveofBLOG

  10. January 21, 2017 / 8:39 am

    I feel for you. We all have bad days, but each day is a new one and will more than likely be better! I’m having the opposite problem some days because my flexible working request was turned down so now I’m sometimes consumed in panic about how I’ll give my boy the upbringing I want to. I’ve found it’s best just to take it a day at a time and remember that I’ll never know what each day might bring. Whatever the struggle we’re all in motherhood together! X

  11. January 21, 2017 / 8:45 am

    I feel for you. We all have bad days, but each day is a new one and will more than likely be better! I’m having the opposite problem some days because my flexible working request was turned down so now I’m sometimes consumed in panic about how I’ll give my boy the upbringing I want to. I’ve found it’s best just to take it a day at a time and remember that I’ll never know what each day might bring. Whatever the struggle we’re all in motherhood together! Xx

  12. January 21, 2017 / 8:46 am

    Sorry for the double comment! #fortheloveofblog

  13. January 21, 2017 / 9:13 am

    I’m sure everyone has bad days, and I’m sure it gets easier. Of course these are things I’m hoping happen. I don’t return to work until March. If I think about it too much I get the anxious knot in my stomach. I could easily cry about it now. Although this post isn’t an empowering post I find it helpful to know that other parents struggle with these emotions too. It gives me comfort to know that if I have a bad day there will at least be people who can relate to me and help me through! Thanks for been honest and sharing this post #fortheloveofblog
    Becky Clark recently posted…PANCAKES – The perfect Friday treatMy Profile

  14. January 21, 2017 / 9:18 am

    Oh you poor thing! I’m dreading going back to work for exactly this reason. I can’t imagine leaving him. Thanks for being honest though. It’s good to know you aren’t alone. #fortheloveofBLOG

  15. January 21, 2017 / 9:52 am

    I’m lucky that I only do two days a week now, do I don’t really experience this to the same extent, but I know that I would’ve felt exactly the same had I gone back to my old job four days a week as planned. Sending hugs, I can’t imagine how hard it must be. Any way that you could reduce your days? #fortheloveofBLOG
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  16. January 21, 2017 / 10:29 am

    I so feel for you, this parenthood lark just opens up a whole new spectrum of emotions doesn’t it. I hope your trip wasn’t too awful and you have a fab weekend with the little one #fortheloveofBLOG
    daydreamer mum recently posted…5 (brilliant) reasons to start a blog! ! My Profile

  17. January 21, 2017 / 10:43 am

    oh ma chérie! I am so sorry to hear that and yet, I totally get it. I am back to work too with long days (leaving the house before 7am and back at 6pm) and I hate it! I am keeping it quiet as I know I am lucky to have a good job that gives me a good pension and I know that Baba is fine at the nursery… I wish I was doing well enough with my blog to say bye to it all, but I am not there yet… I am sure she is fine when you are not here and you see, it will get better. that’s what my friends told me… Keep it up mama, you are doing a good job and keep enjoying every single minute you can spend with her! thinking of you xxx #fortheloveofBLOG

  18. January 21, 2017 / 10:48 am

    Oh lovely, big hugs. I totally relate to this as I often feel like it at work. This week Em had conjunctivitis and all day I was wondering how she is doing, is she ok? Is she eating alright? It’s just so hard separating yourself sometimes – you’re definitely not alone in feeling this way. Thank you for hosting #fortheloveofBLOG xx
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  19. January 21, 2017 / 10:54 am

    I remember those days all too well, they usually coincided with very stressful times at work. I don’t envy you at all. Coombe Mill was our alternative way and I’ve never looked back. I feel so lucky reading this post and remembering those bad days. There are good days too, I hope they prevail for you. #fortheloveofBLOG
    Coombe Mill – Fiona recently posted…Country Kids 21st January 2017My Profile

  20. January 21, 2017 / 11:59 am

    I am dreading returning to work for all the positive drinking tea when it’s warm and uninterrupted toliet breaks. The negative is leaving your babies. #fortheloveofblog

  21. January 21, 2017 / 12:13 pm

    Oh wow. Sending you love. I haven’t had to leave Lilly yet, but I honestly think I will feel the same. I do find comfort in knowing that she is safe and with other family. By the sounds of it your daughter was with her Grandma. When my daughter is with my mum they have SO Much fun and I tell myself that it’s good for her to develop a loving relationship with her grandma. It helps a little. #ForTheLoveOfBlog

  22. January 21, 2017 / 1:08 pm

    This was me after my first. The anxiety of leaving her was like a physical pain that I could reach out and feel. I ended up taking a low dose of medication for it and that did help with the constant dread and sadness. Feeling for you lady.
    #fortheloveofblog
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  23. January 21, 2017 / 2:06 pm

    Aww it can be so so tough but you are so lucky that it is her grandma that looks after her – i would have done anything to have had family help like that. I hope things get easier otherwise you could try to look at a different way of doing thongs maybe? xx #fortheloveofBLOG
    justsayingmum.com recently posted…Bloggers’ Cafe Series One Episode OneMy Profile

  24. January 21, 2017 / 3:10 pm

    I take my hat off to you, being a working mum must be incredibly difficult. I have no doubt though that it is also very rewarding, keep going it will all be worth it! x

    #fortheloveofBLOG
    The Tale of Mummyhood recently posted…#Blogstravaganza – #3My Profile

  25. January 21, 2017 / 4:25 pm

    Sometimes being a working mumma is HARD. There’s not really ever a ‘happy medium’ between the two as I’m constantly seeing the grass as greener. I do love my job mind but there will always be hard weeks when I’d rather be spending time with the tiny one. #fortheloveofblog
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  26. January 21, 2017 / 4:28 pm

    I’ve had so many days like that, too many, I still have them and he’s 3. I have no words of wisdom. It doesn’t really get better, but it changes, becomes manageable somehow. But a good cry is often very necessary xx #fortheloveofBLOG
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  27. January 21, 2017 / 4:36 pm

    Oh bless you… I think we can all relate to these feelings. I welled up when you said about her waking from her nap because that is exactly what worries me about our son. He started nursery for the first time yesterday and as much as it was nice to have a whole afternoon for myself and my OH to be ‘just us’ we both agreed that we missed him and things didn’t feel right. Luckily, BB loved his time away from us and embraced the whole thing without a hint of separation anxiety. It is good for them to be away from us… no matter how much it doesn’t bloody well feel like it.

  28. January 21, 2017 / 4:36 pm

    Oh bless you… I think we can all relate to these feelings. I welled up when you said about her waking from her nap because that is exactly what worries me about our son. He started nursery for the first time yesterday and as much as it was nice to have a whole afternoon for myself and my OH to be ‘just us’ we both agreed that we missed him and things didn’t feel right. Luckily, BB loved his time away from us and embraced the whole thing without a hint of separation anxiety. It is good for them to be away from us… no matter how much it doesn’t bloody well feel like it.

  29. January 21, 2017 / 4:40 pm

    Oh that’s so sad. I know what you mean though, I went back to work when my youngest was only ten months and I couldn’t handle it 🙁 It will get easier though, once all your new routines are firmly in place.
    Alice Soule recently posted…How does a melt down feel?My Profile

  30. January 21, 2017 / 6:26 pm

    Ahh, this made me well up as I can just imagine how you must be feeling! I’m currently having all of these thoughts as I’m due back off maternity in 6 weeks and I just can’t cope with the idea! I haven’t even left my little one behind yet and it’s breaking my heart so I can imagine how difficult it is for you #fortheloveofBLOG
    Nadine recently posted…7 Month Baby Milestones – What we’ve been uptoMy Profile

  31. January 21, 2017 / 7:26 pm

    Oh I know days like this! I hope things got better as the week went on, I’m sure I feel much worse than my kids do about going to work – they are usually quite happy at nursery! #fortheloveofblog
    Kiri recently posted…Our Weekly Roundup #29My Profile

  32. January 21, 2017 / 8:06 pm

    I completely, totally and utterly feel your pain. I have struggled for the last 12 years with HAVING to go to work when all I wanted to do was be with my babies. I returned to work full time when my son was just 4 months old and every day was awful. I just struggled on, not sure of how it could be any other way. It is only the last year that I said enough is enough. I have missed so much and I am not prepared to miss a moment more. I now work 18 hours a week and am able to be there when the children need me and no longer leave that job to someone else. There need to be more opportunities for parents to work from home in this country. #fortheloveofblog
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  33. January 21, 2017 / 8:07 pm

    Oh god this just brought tears to my eyes as I remember those feelings so well. My first week back at work was the worst week of my life and involved lots of crying in the car and toilet cubicles at work. I didn’t think I’d ever adjust but I did, we all did and now we are happy and settled. I started blogging to help me through this time and I love that us working mum’s are putting our experiences out there to help others too. Thanks for your honesty xx #fortheloveofBLOG

  34. January 21, 2017 / 8:37 pm

    If you have enough of those bad days, can you extend the loan to reduce the mortgage repayments? As a friend once said to me (she had 5 kids, and currently at home with the youngest) ‘I get upset when I feel like we’re going backwards, but then I remember that it’s for such a short time (when they’re young)’ Good luck. #FortheloveofBLOG

  35. January 21, 2017 / 9:21 pm

    I cant offer any advice as I’m a sahm but I hope you find a way to work around this and feel better about the whole situation. I’m sure your little girl will understand why your going out to work too and your doing all of this for her.

    #fortheloveofBLOG

  36. January 21, 2017 / 10:41 pm

    That’s so hard for me to hear. I was due to go back to work in November. Due to childcare issues, I asked for a 6 month extension on my leave. My employer declined my request and so I quit. We don’t have family to look after our little one. We would have had to put her in daycare and the cost for putting a 1 year old in daycare is outragous. I was dreading it. When I decided to leave my job it was with mixed feelings. On the one had I was, and stil am, worried of how we will make ends meet. On the other hand, I am so relieved that I get to stay home with my little girl for a while longer. The thought of being away from her was giving me anxiety. I am so lucky to have a partner that supports me in this and that this is even a possibility for me. My heart goes out to you. I am sure it will get easier but I know how hard it must be. The thought of it gives me pain. I truly wish you the best in this adjustment to your routine and I offer a very sympathetic ear. #fortheloveofBLOG

  37. January 21, 2017 / 10:43 pm

    Oh I really felt your pain reading this… I am due to return from maternity leave in March after having my second and I’m dreading it and determined to find a way to work from home. Sending love and hugs #fortheloveofBLOG

  38. January 21, 2017 / 10:51 pm

    Oh lovely. I so get this. You have just taken me back in time three years. I remember those very feelings and reading your words have brought them all back and it makes me feel the dread you’re feeling. I remember driving to work on that first day in a new job with tears streaming down my face. Wondering how on earth I was going to get through it. All I can say to you is that it does get easier. It doesn’t feel like it now but it does. I still hate Mondays after having all weekend with my little man. Even now but overall it’s ok. It does do them good to spend time with other people too. But I know that doesn’t help right now. I hope the trip went ok. And I hope you’re enjoying the weekend together now. Hugs. #fortheloveofBLOG. XX
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  39. January 22, 2017 / 9:43 am

    I’m so sorry you are struggling. The post was beautifully honest and sums up how i think a lot of parents feel. I ended up leaving work at the end of my maternity leave because they wouldn’t let me reduce my hours. I would have been leaving at 7am and not getting in until after 6pm and then have work to do in the evenings and weekends. I knew I’d never get to spend any decent amount of time with her and I couldn’t bare it. I know it’s easier said than done but try to keep strong, and I hope it gets a little bit easier for you. X
    #fortheloveofBLOG
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  40. January 22, 2017 / 11:31 am

    This is such a beautifully honest post and made me feel really emotional reading it. I hope each days gets a little easier for you and that you don’t have too many more bad days like this ahead. Stay strong. #fortheloveofBLOG
    One Clueless Mumma recently posted…MY PREGNANCY DIARIES: WEEK 28My Profile

  41. January 22, 2017 / 6:31 pm

    aw love, I really feel for you and I love your honesty. I hope it helped to just get it all out there and read that many other mums go through similar. my boy is 3 now and to be honest I love going to work to get a bit of me time 🙂 #fortheloveofblog
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  42. January 22, 2017 / 7:55 pm

    I can relate to this so much . It’s so horrid leaving them I have to try my hardest not to think about it otherwise I will overthink it all weekend. Thank You for having me cohost #fortheloveofBLOG
    Jess recently posted…Parenting or personality that is the questionMy Profile

  43. January 22, 2017 / 8:28 pm

    Oh no!! It does happen sometimes and is completely natural – as a working mum too I know exactly how you feel. It’s one of the reasons why I asked to go part-time at work after my first child. Just keep staying strong and remember that it’ll get easier… it’s always hard in the first few months back at work.

    Missing your little bubba a bit more could also be a good thing… what’s that saying again, “distance makes the heart grow fonder” or something like that lol xx 🙂

  44. January 22, 2017 / 9:29 pm

    Aww hun I really felt for you reading this. I feel lucky every day that I am able to stay at home with my babies. I hope the business trip went well and you got lots of cuddles when you were home.xx #fortheloveofblog
    Wendy recently posted…Baby update – Alex is 3 monthsMy Profile

  45. January 22, 2017 / 9:38 pm

    Oh, I felt like this when I went back to work with my eldest. It was horrible – truly awful and I missed him so so much. I don’t know what else to say but as much as it doesn’t feel like it now, it does get easier to leave them and you do get used to the routine and it ends up becoming the norm! xx #fortheloveofBLOG
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  46. January 22, 2017 / 10:00 pm

    🙁 🙁 no words will make you feel any better, I know that. It’s funny how some days are so much harder than others. It just all of a sudden consumes you, then other days it’s easier. But being honest and putting it out there is going to help someone else – letting others know that it’s ok to feel like this and they’re not alone. It certainly helps me, so as much as I hate knowing someone else is feeling bad, thank you for being honest and sharing! Sending big hugs and here for a rant any time. Take care x #fortheloveofBLOG x
    Emma recently posted…#DayLOT7 Back to work for a break…My Profile

  47. January 23, 2017 / 1:40 am

    This has made me well up! I’m due to return to work at the end of Feb and I know this is how I am going to feel. it’s already breaking my heart a little thinking about leaving Oliver. If only money wasn’t so important in our lives. #fortheloveofBLOG

  48. January 23, 2017 / 9:43 am

    Oh Fi, this made me so emotional. I can only imagine how hard that must have been, and still is no doubt. I never went back to work after the babies so I can’t relate to it in that way, but I know how I feel just leaving them at nursery so I can work on my blog for six short hours a week, and that’s hard enough! Lots of love to you. #fortheloveofBLOG
    five little doves recently posted…A letter to myself on my 17th birthdayMy Profile

  49. January 23, 2017 / 2:34 pm

    Oh I’m so sorry that you are struggling. It is so incredibly hard leaving our little ones. I didn’t go back to work after adopting my two although I will do in the next few months, but I feel pain when they go off to school for the day – it’s like a physical hurt! Sending lots of hugs your way! #fortheloveofBLOG
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  50. January 23, 2017 / 6:50 pm

    i had a really bad day last week. the end of my first week back after maternity leave – wanting to hold Ben and not let go for the full 48 hours I had with him. But we needed to go and meet family. He was passed around family members who wanted cuddles. When i went to take him I was told I could see him when i want. which is true to an extent. But I wanted to just hold him and not share him with anyone.
    It took every strength I had to not scream at my family. I get how you feel. Do you have the ability to Facetime her in the morning or evening on your journey perhaps?
    or get someone to send a video of her at lunch? it may make things worse, but it could help so you see her? #fortheloveofBLOG

  51. January 23, 2017 / 9:20 pm

    Oh hun I’m so sorry. It is so heartbreakingly hard going back to work. Knowing that it will get easier doesn’t help for those days when you struggle. I hope to you’re ok #fortheloveofblog

  52. January 25, 2017 / 7:11 pm

    Ohhh I feel for you! You’re so bloody brave doing it. I couldn’t. I only did 1 KIT day and I just couldn’t do it. I extended my mat leave to 1 year and then handed in my notice. It just wasn’t me.

    I’m sure things will get better (I know that means nothing right now)

    Wishing you all the luck!

    #ForTheLoveOfBlog

  53. Tooting Mama
    January 25, 2017 / 9:10 pm

    Sending you a big hug my lovely. Cherish the moments that you have with her and make those the best. #ForTheLoveOfBlog

  54. January 26, 2017 / 10:46 am

    Oh dear it’s awful you feel so sad! I’d be exactly the same and I think most people probably are the same. I can’t even bear the thought of my toddler going to nursery for a morning! Motherhood is really hard sometimes, I’m sure you’ll feel better once you get more used to it 🙂 #fortheloveofblog
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