Learning to Love – The Hardest Diet Of All?

I’m having a love / hate relationship with my body and diet again. I say “again” because I’ve written about body image before on the blog, which you can read about here.

Actually, it’s more of a hate / hate relationship this week. I’ve returned from holiday, carrying just a few pounds of excess baggage and I’m not talking about my suitcases (although there is definitely some ‘junk in the trunk’).

If you go off my BMI (body mass index) then I’m not really overweight. At 24.9, I’m teetering on the edge of healthy weight / overweight. Basically, I’m one sausage roll away from fat. In myself, though I’m feeling huge. I hate that.

Now, depending on which day you catch me on, I will say one of the following things about my weight:

  1. “I only had a baby 6 (lies it’s 7) months ago.”
  2. “I’m at least two stone overweight. It’s disgusting.”
  3. “I’m not bothered, I think I look fine (more lies).”
  4. “I’m proud of my body – I’ve grown two human beings in it!”

You get the picture.

My opinion about my body image, yo-yo’s almost as much as my weight does. I know that we are always  our own worst critic. I also know that if I had a girlfriend who was complaining about being fat, then I would be telling her she was crazy and that she looked beautiful. I would also probably refer her back to point number 1 above. That’s what we do isn’t it? We shred our own self-esteem to pieces internally whilst bigging up our female friends in some sort of sisterly solidarity. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for bigging each other up. I just wish I could do it to myself.

The thing is, I know how to lose weight. I know how to lose weight quickly, Beyoncé and Cayenne Pepper stylee and I know how to lose weight sensibly and sustainably. My book shelf is a whose who of dieting guru’s and I am a complete sucker for the glossy covers of Weight Watchers or Slimming World magazines. In fact, I have actually joined both of those programmes several times to no avail. It’s not that those programmes don’t work – more that I don’t ever stick to them for longer than a week. Seriously. A week is the maximum staying power that I have over a diet. So I suppose you could say I am a serial dieter who can’t commit. Speaking of cereal, I lost quite a bit of weight on that diet once.

Anyway, I digress and I’m rambling as usual. My point is just that I wish I had the motivation to stick at a diet or make healthy eating choices. I’ve tried pretty much everything so I suppose the fact that I always lapse and do something stupid like stuff my face with a loaf of bread (yep, seriously done this once after a no-carb week) means that there is something else going on with me. If, as a very slim teenager, I still thought I was chunky then it can’t really be about my actual weight can it?

I know someone who lost a lot of weight recently. They did it all the right way, slowly and healthily (Weight Watchers if you must know) and they were about half their pre-diet size. They were also a lot less fun to go for lunch with but that’s a different point entirely. Anyway, I asked her how she felt when she reached that elusive “goal weight”.

Elated? Empowered? Sexy? More confident? Nope. Do you know what she said to me?

“I felt no different then when I was fatter.” Boom.

That was my revelation really. She felt NO DIFFERENT.

Bit of an anti-climax isn’t it?

Basically, if you don’t fix whatever is causing you to feel shitty from the inside (and I’m talking in your head not your stomach) then no amount of juicing, cleansing, detoxing or weight loss will make you feel better. It’s that simple.

Don’t get me wrong – this revelation hasn’t made me feel better about my one-sausage-roll-away-from-fat backside but it has made me realise that I need to figure out a way to appreciate and love myself as I am before tackling any excess pounds. Otherwise, when if I get to a comfortable weight, I simply won’t appreciate it.

So that’s where I’m at. I feel fat and a bit shitty about my body right now so yes, I’m going to step away from the M&M’s for a bit but ultimately I am going to have to work on loving myself the way I am. Wobbly bottom, belly rolls, double chins and all. I have no idea where to start or how to go about this but I’m going to give it a go.

Lets hope it lasts for longer than a week because I think perhaps that this will be the hardest diet of them all.

Wish me luck?

xxx

 

 

 

 

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49 Comments

  1. Julia
    August 3, 2016 / 9:31 pm

    This sadly seems to be such s common female experience, doesn’t it. “Dieting” as such seems to make us focus too much on our outwards appearance, when, in fact, as you rightly say, it’s the “inner person” that actually needs addressing. That is easier said than done but I consider it a lifetime work in progress. Healthy eating as often as possible & getting as much fresh air & activity seems to help my own mood, but self esteem needs constant working on doesn’t it. Society expects so much of people today, & a lot of it is unachievable & unrealistic, I think…

  2. August 3, 2016 / 9:44 pm

    Wishing you buckets of luck! Being on the edge of healthy is far better than being hugely unhealthy. I think it’s just got to click, and then healthy eating will follow. *Says the person who is about to devour a slice of cake, and who’s butt is the biggest it’s ever been! 🙂 #bloggerclubuk
    Annette, 3 Little Buttons recently posted…#DreamTeam Linky 14My Profile

    • August 3, 2016 / 9:47 pm

      Ha Annette that really made me laugh! I am always the one to comment on other people’s diet / healthy eating / exercise posts whilst scoffing a bar of something chocolatey so its good to know I’m not the only one! xx
      Fi recently posted…Our Summer Holiday in Tenerife – Blue Sea Puerto ResortMy Profile

  3. August 3, 2016 / 10:50 pm

    Someone very wise said to me that they wished they were the size they were when they first thought they were fat. I remember when that was for me, highschool, and what I wouldn’t give now to be that size. I know I need to loose weight but you are so right, before I can lose anything I need to find me. Good luck hun.

  4. August 4, 2016 / 10:02 am

    I’m feeling this. Lost half a stone with slimming world and have put most of it back on again, and with only 4 weeks til wedding looks like am going to be a fat bride. Great! I’ve always hated myself, though I’m not sure what I did to myself to deserve it. I always think I’ve got better as I’ve got older but I think I’ve just numbed myself to it. I really need to sort it out. #ablogginggoodtime
    sarah recently posted…Real Life Birth Vs Movie BirthMy Profile

  5. August 4, 2016 / 10:21 am

    I totally hear you. I’m basically happy with where I am now, but also only a sausage roll from being overweight, and boy do I love a sausage roll! I think the negative voices will always be there to an extent, you just have to learn to quieten and ignore them! great post (plus 7 months after a baby is no time at all) #ablogginggoodtime

  6. August 4, 2016 / 12:03 pm

    I feel exactly the same! I know I need to lose a stone, but I just can’t be bothered to keep to a diet (they are not fun!!) or to keep to an exercise schedule. I am constantly tired, from 19 months of poor sleep and probably too much sugar, but I have decided in the last week that I am a comfort/emotional eater. J started nursery, I want to eat cake to make me feel better. I am bored, I want to eat a chocolate bar to cheer me up. I feel guilty about being fat and eating said sugar, I feel bad and eat more crap! This is a dangerous cycle and I really do want to get healthier for J’s sake. I want to be able to keep up with him and to be healthy and install this into him too, but I just don’t seem to have the mental capacity to do this at the moment… what is wrong with me?! I am rambling, but thank you xxx
    Laura: Adventures with J recently posted…Starting Nursery – The Ultimate Mummy Guilt?My Profile

    • August 4, 2016 / 1:18 pm

      I’m a complete emotional eater too – you are definitely not the only one! I don’t know what the answer is but you aren’t alone with that x
      Fi recently posted…Home Schooling Our Way Around The WorldMy Profile

  7. August 4, 2016 / 2:24 pm

    This is exactly me! I have this battle with myself on a daily basis, sometimes I think you know what I don’t care, I’m happy the way I am and other days I could quite happily ban all mirrors everywhere, forever! Why are we so harsh on ourselves when if a friend says something similar we immediately jump on them for being too self-critical?! Grrrr bloody body issues! 🙂 #brilliantblogposts

  8. August 4, 2016 / 6:10 pm

    I am the same. If I cut something out in s duet I just end up eating loads of it when I get fed up! I really need to find something I can stick to. Good luck and hope you find what makes you feel better! #brilliantblogposts

    • August 6, 2016 / 12:20 pm

      Popping by for another read for #fortheloveofBLOG

  9. August 5, 2016 / 7:18 am

    Fi you are gorgeous. Carrying a few extra pounds after a holiday is normal! I ate far too many nice things on my holiday too. You are spot on when you say until you get the right mindset it won’t improve. Be happy with who you are Hun did you read this I wrote? http://www.diaryofanimperfectmum.com/2016/06/stop-shaming-my-mummy-tummy.html Good luck Hun Thank you for linking up to #ablogginggoodtime
    An imperfect mum (Catie) recently posted…Weekly Roundup #29My Profile

  10. August 5, 2016 / 3:13 pm

    After bouts of depression one of the thing that I motive is that I have gained so much weight. I am not beating myself to it because depression is hard enough to beat and I am still trying to beat it. But I really feel heavy and that bothers me. So yesterday I did a diet. Nothing fancy just trying to lessen the nutella. Nutella is my drug. I think my household consumes 2kg a week and its mostly me who eats it. Nutella that I bought from MOnday is still there and thats something massive if you are me. But mostly I started this effort because I want to feel better about myself again. I might lose focus on the 3rd or 4th day but I am celebrating on the fact that I am in day 2 and I am stilgoing strong. #ablogginggoodtime

  11. August 6, 2016 / 8:13 am

    This post made me really crave a sausage roll! I struggle not to eat loads when I’m in the house all day soo go out. I also make healthy version of naughty treats so my diet is more sustainable but I stumble when I don’t have time and end up reaching for the malteasers. #fortheloveofBLOG

  12. August 6, 2016 / 8:30 am

    Like so many people I can completely relate to this! I told myself that the baby weight took 9 months to get on so I’ve got 9 months to lose it…..well I’m a year down the road and it’s still there jiggling about! I just can’t face not having a treat at the end of the day…..must learn moderation thoug!! Here’s to loving ourselves, no matter what our dress size xx

  13. August 6, 2016 / 8:53 am

    I’m currently on an all inclusive holiday and know that next week (when I have the dreaded bathroom scales at my finger tips) I’m going to be cursing all that I’m currently eating and drinking – despite not even feeling hungry! I do love the gym and so will be back exercising asap but it still takes about 4 times as long to get rid of what you can put on if you ‘do it right’. Good luck lovely and step away from the chocolate! Xx #fortheloveofBLOG
    Sonia recently posted…Outnumbered- An Honest Account of Having Three Children!My Profile

  14. August 6, 2016 / 9:23 am

    Let me join you on this! I don’t feel healthy, partly because of my weight, mostly because of my diet and I am constantly putting my self down because of it but you’re right, you need to learn to love who you are and what you are rather than how much you weigh! I feel so much better when I’m eating well and healthy and excersising and when I start taking care of my body I am more open to complimenting myself. Good luck! You’ll get there! And you’re beautiful. #fortheloveofBLOG
    Kayleigh Woodland recently posted…July HighlightsMy Profile

  15. August 6, 2016 / 9:46 am

    Good luck. I agree with you, inner wellbeing is the most important of all. And I hope you had a lovely holiday. #fortheloveof BLOG
    Nursery Whines recently posted…The Crawling DeadMy Profile

  16. August 6, 2016 / 9:58 am

    I think it’s really hard to be 100% happy with our bodies and how we look and ALL of the time. We know our bodies well and will always notice little wobbles and stretchy marks and other things that might annoy us. Thanks for being so honest about you feel. I’m sure a lot of us feel like that although we may be different shapes and sizes! #fortheloveofBLOG
    Sunita recently posted…Time to Shine: Confidence tips from a career in TV by special guest Kimberly…My Profile

  17. August 6, 2016 / 10:00 am

    Just try to be happy! Easier said than done but focusing on weight and body image just makes us miserable – I’d rather eat cake and be happy #ForTheLoveOfBLOG
    TheIrishBabyFairy recently posted…5 Things that give New Mothers RageMy Profile

  18. August 6, 2016 / 10:10 am

    I totally get this as I think the vast majority of women will do. I don’t own scales so to me, it’s all about how I’m feeling, and there’s nothing harder than convincing yourself you look great when inside you just don’t feel it. And you’ve hit the nail on the head, if there’s something going on making you feel crap then being a stone lighter isn’t going to change that! Good luck with it all, I’m sure you look absolutely fab and you just need to learn how to ignore those negative thoughts about yourself (without denying yourself a sausage roll!) x #fortheloveofBLOG

  19. August 6, 2016 / 11:00 am

    Good luck! I think its a constant thing for us ladies, we’re never truly happy with how we look. And when we diet all we can think about is food!! I don’t have much time or like to exercise but I must admit when I do it does make me feel good about myself – maybe that’s something to try?
    I enjoyed you’re Tenerife vlog btw – and thought you looked great if it’s any consolation 🙂

    • August 6, 2016 / 11:00 am

      #fortheloveofBLOG

  20. August 6, 2016 / 11:10 am

    I think you’re beautiful, but I know it doesn’t take long to creep towards the upper edges of the healthy zone. I think the key is targeting your healthy weight and always staying within half a stone either side of this, that way you have a decent buffer but can never go too mad. As I said though, you’re gorgeous exactly as you are xx #fortheloveofblog

  21. August 6, 2016 / 11:30 am

    This is a very honest post and I think lots of people, not just women feel like this. I constantly swap between I must be good and lose weight and life’s for enjoying so do what makes you happy. I guess finding the balance is key. But no, I don’t have a clue how to do that either x
    #fortheloveofBLOG

  22. August 6, 2016 / 11:37 am

    I lived with anorexia for 16 long years, spent time in and out of hospital and reached some really horrific low points over the years. These days I am more of a healthy weight (although still my BMI teeters on the edge of underweight, and yet seeing those numbers go up on the scales is still difficult, I think that’s the case for all of us women. I would love to be one of those women who was completely confidence in my body, whatever shape and size, and yet I won’t ever be that person, I think it’s about accepting that and finding an achievable weight that works for you. For the record, I think you look amazing! #fortheloveofBLOG
    laura dove recently posted…Oh I do like to be beside the seaside….(Part one)My Profile

  23. August 6, 2016 / 11:39 am

    Diets don’t work long term because our psychological response is to absolutely CRAVE what we are denying ourselves. So you are absolutely right: it’s about getting to a state mentally where you want to be and from there you will be able to make small, long term changes that will benefit you over time. This is actually ridiculously hard to do. You sound as if you know what your aim is and I do wish you luck. Of course, exercise can help with the mental side (it also makes you need to eat more though!) and in September there will be a whole host of new classes being touted. It may be worth trying a completely new class – I really recommend Taekwon-do, but hey, I’m biased 🙂 Alison x #fortheloveofBLOG (A great post btw!)

  24. August 6, 2016 / 11:51 am

    I’m feeling a bit like this at the moment. I was going to the gym 4 or 5 times a week a few months ago but since going on holiday I’ve not gone back. I’ve been eating like a pig too and have put on quite a bit of weight, I really need to do something about it. But like you, sometimes I hate my body and other days I just think I’m not bothered! x #fortheloveofBLOG
    Emma Plus Three recently posted…Little Passports | Review & GiveawayMy Profile

  25. August 6, 2016 / 12:18 pm

    Wierdly, I’m the most okay about my body I’ve ever been since having my boy. The first couple of months were dreadful as I just didn’t recognise myself however I think after being so big when pregnant I can kind of see a bit more perspecitve of my actual size lol! Having said this, I now whittle about wrinkles instead…#fortheloveofblog

  26. August 6, 2016 / 12:30 pm

    Oh this resonates so much lovely. I’m much the same and while I try and love myself how I am, I am happier when I’m eating better and exercising a little too. I know what to do but it just isn’t happening! Loads of luck to you, you can do it 😉 xxx #tribe
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  27. August 6, 2016 / 12:37 pm

    Aw good luck! I have an awful relationship with food where it is a little bit of an obsession now getting on the scales every day and making sure I eat right. I think it is about finding a balance but still giving yourself a break. #fortheloveofBLOG
    Busy Working Mummy recently posted…This is….me!My Profile

  28. August 6, 2016 / 12:53 pm

    We are all good at boosting others and not ourselves aren’t we. Going by my BMI I am overweight. I am not doing any particular diet, just trying to make healthier choices (well and the occasional choccy bar) and do some exercise. I have found doing a little bit of exercise has made me feel better in general. I hope you find a way that works for you x
    #fortheloveofBLOG
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  29. August 6, 2016 / 2:25 pm

    I’m no good at diets because as soon as something is off – limits I want it all! I wasn’t happy with my skinny teen body either, so you’re right it’s more to do with my mindset x #fortheloveofBLOG

  30. August 6, 2016 / 4:04 pm

    Good luck!! Like you, I can feel fine one minute then the next be complaining about my belly rolls. One of the reasons why I don’t believe in “diets” is because they always seem to focus on losing weight fast and too many people end up worse off afterwards. I had gestational diabetes in both of my pregnancies and after my 2nd baby realised that I really need to take control of my lifestyle now and first thing is by changing the way I eat. I am opting for much healthier foods now which I love and feel better internally but still treat myself to things like cake but only occasionally and of a moderate portion. 🙂 #fortheloveofBLOG

  31. August 6, 2016 / 7:54 pm

    I have been 8lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight since my little one was 3 months ( now 11 months ) . I loose a bit and then put it back on . No fad diets all healthy eating & gym but then that routine slips and I’m back to the booze & crisp diet ! It’s hard !! X

  32. August 6, 2016 / 8:29 pm

    Embrace yourself for the gorgeousness that you are hun! Us Mums have enough to put up with we should at least give ourselves a break for the weight we may or may not gain after having these babies!! Take it a day at a time and remind yourself that you are beaut!! xx #fortheloveofBLOG

  33. August 6, 2016 / 9:02 pm

    I can relate to every bit of this post. I had a baby 20 months ago – I still have my pre-pregnancy clothes in the (ever-decreasing) hope that one day, I’ll fit into them again. But even in the days when I could fit into those tiny doll-size clothes, I remember thinking that I could do with losing a couple of pounds. I never thought I was slim, but now I’d give almost anything to look like that again. I just wish I’d appreciated my size at the time! #fortheloveofBLOG

  34. August 7, 2016 / 7:56 am

    A really though provoking post, Fi. I think many of us go through the same thing, whatever our shape or size there’s a deep seated lack of being able to really love ourselves. Yet we look at those around us differently. I look at your pics and don’t notice whether you are overweight. I think you look beautiful…I think that’s also because I associate the photos with the person I finally got to meet as well, I know you didn’t write this to fish for compliments , though and no matter what I/we think it’s about you accepting yourself and loving yourself, I find I have similar issues too, I just try and be a little kinder to myself and try and look at myself through the eyes of others. It’s not always entirely successful. Thanks for your honesty and openness and I hope you do succeed in the ‘love myself’ diet. #fortheloveofblog

  35. August 7, 2016 / 9:37 pm

    Dieting is so difficult. I’ve tried to steer clear of the naughty stuff and carbs but it’s so difficult. Good luck with whatever work you need to deal with on the inside. #fortheloveofBLOG

  36. August 7, 2016 / 11:42 pm

    Good luck Fi! I hear you – I have never worried about my weight but recently I am increasingly self-conscious about my ‘mum tum’ etc. and feel rubbish that clothes are so tight on me. It’s not so much about motivation for me but discipline… my mindful eating is NOT going well. #fortheloveofBLOG
    Mindful Mummy Mission recently posted…Meeting the Summer Hols with Mindfulness – part 2My Profile

  37. August 8, 2016 / 7:04 pm

    Love this so much! Being a women ain’t easy, and it’s so hard all the pressure that’s put on us to loose or look a certain way! I say, if you’re happy then that’s great, but if not, then that’s fine too. To me, mental health is just as important! I’ve also got body image issues and suffer with BDD. It’s a constant thing but I’m passing it on to the girls is what scares me more than anything else! fortheloveofBLOG
    The Unsung Mum recently posted…The Unsung Mum and The Swimming Pool PalaverMy Profile

  38. August 9, 2016 / 6:22 pm

    Good luck indeed, but you sound like you’re on the way to having it sorted. For me, it’s finding things which make me feel good – clothes, make up or whatever. I think if you can find something you can feel body-confident in, it’s the start to accepting yourself the way you are (is for me anyway). #FortheloveofBLOG

  39. August 10, 2016 / 7:39 am

    Good luck becoming more body confident. It certainly is a massive issue which most struggle with, I know I do! #FortheloveofBlog

  40. August 10, 2016 / 5:56 pm

    There always seems to be something we beat ourselves up about, doesn’t there? But you’re so right, it’s not really about how you look, it’s how you feel about yourself inside, accepting yourself for who you are. That’s the most difficult thing, but where we all need to start, building up our self-esteem. #fortheloveofBLOG
    Mummy and the Mexicans recently posted…Potty Training Diary: Week 3My Profile

  41. August 18, 2016 / 9:16 pm

    Love this, honest and true. Okay, Personally I’m all about the little steps – I threw out all my clothes that didn’t make me feel nice. 2nd step: bought some new clothes (without child) that made me feel even more fab…ate nice food, spent time with nice people and you know what it’s a lifestyle choice – but loving you is the best thing for your family and bonus: you too!

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