Father Christmas Didn’t Come

I sat down today, to write a Christmas gift list post for you, so you could be sure to ask Father Christmas for lots of lovely things this year. I have lots of ideas scribbled out in front of me, loads of great brands to introduce you to and festive gift ideas for even the most tricky of customers. But the words didn’t come. I couldn’t sum up the enthusiasm to write about the joys of the latest must-have gadget or the ‘this will change your life’ Lego set (seriously they get better every year!) and that’s because honestly, Christmas makes me feel a little uneasy.

And so here I am, six weeks-ish before the big day, writing something that I thought I would never share with anyone. I don’t know if it’s because I’m hitting my thirties and I just don’t care as much about what people think of me or if it’s just my time to open up but I’m going to level with you. The reason that Christmas makes me feel so uneasy is because Father Christmas, just like the words for my gift list, didn’t come.

I didn’t celebrate Christmas as a child. Ever. No family traditions, carols in church, stockings hung by the fireplace, mince pies left for Father Christmas or presents under the tree. In fact not even a tree.

I grew up as part of a religion that doesn’t celebrate Christmas. Or birthday’s. Or anything really aside from the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. It sounds strange but it was my normal. My home. My family. I didn’t grow up believing in Father Christmas. I had been told that he was a story, a lie, a myth that other families peddled to their deluded children. There was no magic or excitement. It was bad. It was wrong. God didn’t want us to celebrate. And so we didn’t.

And yet each and every 24th December  (it wasn’t Christmas Eve for me, just another date on the calendar) I remember how I would sit at my bedroom window after lights went out and look up in the night sky hoping to catch a glimpse of the big man and his reindeer as he dropped presents off for all the other girls and boys. Every year I secretly hoped that he might leave just one thing for me and my sister. I wouldn’t have told anyone. It would have been our secret. Each year, I fell asleep wondering what it would be like to wake to a Christmas tree with a pile of brightly wrapped presents underneath for me. I even used to wish upon a star (far too much Pinnochio was watched in our house) that it might come true.

Father Christmas

Needless to say we know how that story ends and in reality I wasn’t too surprised when there was nothing at the foot of my bed Christmas morning. Disappointed maybe. Fearful of how the other kids at school would mock me for having no presents again when regaling each other with lists of their finery. But surprised? Not really. I was used to it.

My first “proper” Christmas was when I turned eighteen, no longer in the clutches of said religion and I spent it with my boyfriend and his family, pretending that I was one of them. Pretending that I had celebrated Christmas with my family each of the seventeen years prior to that one too. I pretended to know what the etiquette was at midnight mass, that I knew why his Mum was stirring in pennies and other odd items to a Christmas cake mix, that I hadn’t spent hours wrapping and re-wrapping their presents because I had never wrapped one before and I even dutifully rolled my eyes as we all sat down to watch the Queen’s speech after the mother of all feasts, again pretending that “of course, my Mum makes us do this every year too.”

That was the first Christmas that I ever faked and I was terrified that I would be found out. A whole childhood of being laughed at and singled out as different will do that to you. I was afraid that everyone would know I was a Christmas fraud and more than anything I so badly just wanted to fit in. To be normal. That kind of thing sticks with you.

Since then, I’ve faked at least eleven more Christmases and although it gets a little easier each year, the festivities still feel a bit forced. Since having my own children I have fully embraced the whole Christmas season. In fact, I think my fakery pushes me to go a bit overboard with it all. I take painstaking care with the gift giving, developing our own family traditions, decorating of the house and the enforced high spirits. I want each and every Christmas for my kids to be so picture perfect. So special. I never want them to know the feeling of emptiness that can only come with a no-show from the big man and his elves. I’m proud of the fact that they don’t know that and that they won’t.

The space under the much-too-over-the-top Christmas tree is rammed full of perfectly decorated gifts from “Father Christmas”, the cupboards are stuffed full of the best food and drink and we party hard with Shaun’s family for two days solid. It’s a wonderful time and one I actually look forward to now. So yes, we do celebrate Christmas these days and as a result, my fakery is well-honed. Sometimes I even believe it for a little while.

tree

But no matter how much joy I get from seeing the excitement on my kids faces come Christmas morning, I can never quite shake the feeling that I am either completely winging it or that I’m about to be discovered as a total festive fraud. That someone’s going to stand up and point a comically big finger at me and announce that I don’t belong here in the world of twinkling fairy lights, tinsel and one too many glasses of wine.

So why am I writing this now? Well, this year I don’t want to feel like a fraud. I want it to stop. I want to be honest and come clean with it. So I admit, I didn’t celebrate Christmas as a child and what is the season of good will for you was actually the season of shame and disappointment for me for most of my life. It’s a difficult time of year and one that is still very much under construction in my head and heart. I want to enjoy Christmas this year, free of the feeling that I’m faking it. So I’m just putting it out there. I’m a big festive fraud, I’m faking it on many levels and this year will be my first real and honest Christmas.

With that in mind then, going back to writing the all-important ‘bloggers Christmas gift guide’ is just not something I want to do. Sitting here, recommending the best gifts to buy this season or offering any tips at all as to how to enjoy yourselves at Christmas time just makes me feel like a big, fat fraud all over again. Because after all, what do I know about it? Father Christmas never came.

 

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68 Comments

  1. November 5, 2016 / 9:31 pm

    This is so sad, I know that’s not what it’s meant to be but I can’t stand to think of the children who don’t get to celebrate their birthdays and holidays because they aren’t permitted to. I know that people will bring their kids up in the religion that they believe is right and good but this particular one breaks my heart. I bet you are making up for it with your children.
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  2. November 5, 2016 / 10:12 pm

    This is so honest and raw. I want to give your younger self a hug right now! And to be honest I don’t think you should feel ashamed or a fraud. Christmas with you’re family is what YOU make it and the joy and happiness in your children’s faces of your new traditions. You past has shaped you and made you into better person xxx
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  3. November 5, 2016 / 10:17 pm

    Agree with the comments above, such a brave and beautiful post and now, no longer a child you can be and do what you wish, you are not a fraud xx

  4. November 5, 2016 / 10:25 pm

    Oh Fi. I so so wish I could hug the little Fi and give her (and her sister) a present on Christmas Morning. This post has moved me to tears and I don’t know what else to say, other than thank you for sharing your story with your readers. You’re lovely for giving your children the gift of magic and make believe at Christmas. xxxxx
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  5. November 5, 2016 / 10:28 pm

    An interesting read. Ive often looked at parents of children in religious families (possibly the one youre referring to) and wondered what happens when/if their children leave that religion and have to act ‘normal’. It must feel very alien to celebrate it and although im not big on christmas myself (commercial reasons not religious), i always embrace it for our daughter. And always will.
    Carol Cameleon recently posted…Time for some happy in my #HighlightsofHappy #17My Profile

    • November 7, 2016 / 12:11 pm

      It does feel weird but like everything, over time, celebrating does take on an element of our “new normal”. Thanks for popping by and reading Carol x
      A Mum Track Mind recently posted…My Darling Memory Round-Up Week 12My Profile

  6. November 5, 2016 / 11:59 pm

    Oh my darling. Hugs. As you know I can totally relate to this and it pains me to think of you in the same place I was. I get that you feel like a fraud, I have felt that way too but you are an adult now and you have every right to celebrate in any way you wish. I don’t think that feeling of pretense will ever completely go away but it does get easier. I’m wishing you and your family a perfect Christmas and sending lots of love to the little girl that wasn’t allowed to believe. Xx

    • November 7, 2016 / 12:13 pm

      Thank you Amy. You gave me the courage to speak up really because you were so brave yourself. It’s probably a much bigger deal in our heads but still daunting putting a very personal side of yourself out there so I really appreciate the support xx
      A Mum Track Mind recently posted…The Ambition Series: Meet Mother PukkaMy Profile

  7. November 6, 2016 / 12:02 am

    Oh lovely I wish I could give the young Fi a hug and a present too. This post really moved me reading this, so much so that I saw it earlier tonight on twitter and bookmarked it to read it later. I hope that you can create the magic in Christmas for Sophie and Zak, and I hope it sparkles for Sophie on her first Christmas which i am sure will with you and Shaun as parents xx
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  8. November 6, 2016 / 2:26 am

    I fully cried reading this. It can be so hard for a kid just trying to fit in, I can only imagine how disappointing each year would have been, hoping something would change. I feel like we had the opposite, we always celebrated Christmas as kids but when my brother had his accident 13 years ago and became an alcoholic it got harder each year to celebrate so we stopped. Now this is my first Christmas with my son I feel like we get a new start for Christmas. Thank you for sharing this, it made me realise how lucky I am to have those experiences as a child and will make me even more enthusiastic for my son and future children. I’m so glad you get to experience Christmas with your children. xx
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    • November 7, 2016 / 12:22 pm

      I’m so sorry to hear that you have had a whole load of difficult Christmases too Emma. I think it shows that Christmas isn’t actually magical for so many people for lots of different reasons. Wishing you an utterly magical Christmas this year though xx
      A Mum Track Mind recently posted…Get Outdoors With Steve BackShall and Mountain WarehouseMy Profile

  9. November 6, 2016 / 7:08 am

    Oh! You are not a fraud my lovely. You sat up those nights because you wanted him to come. Two things come to mind after reading this: One, Christmas for me isn’t about Father Christmas or about presents- it is about family, about being together and if anything it is about the giving not receiving. I know that the years you ‘faked it’ you actually didn’t – you gave those presents out of the goodness of your heart because you wanted to make people smile. That is what it is about. So you are no fraud.
    Second- it makes me so so sad that there are children out there that Santa never visits. I cannot imagine the sadness. It is actually why I never make a big deal out of Santa. I make a fuss of the season sure, but Sant never lavishes my girls with gifts. He gives them one small inexpensive token gift wrapped in brown paper as I never want them to go to school and brag while there could be a child like you who got nothing at all.
    Beautifully honest post but please don’t feel like a fraud. If you love your children, which of course you do, then enjoy the season and use it as a time to embrace family time because loving family is what it is all about. x
    Katy (What Katy Said) recently posted…Happy Days: Smiles, Spontaneity and A Coffee TableMy Profile

    • November 7, 2016 / 12:24 pm

      You’re so right. It isn’t at all about the presents and consumerism. Family is everything 🙂 I love that you are teaching your girls (and now your boy too!) to be so thoughtful of others. Have a wonderful Christmas as a new family of 5 🙂 x
      A Mum Track Mind recently posted…Fuel Your Dreams Competition With Sun-PatMy Profile

  10. November 6, 2016 / 7:12 am

    Oh Fi, that’s so sad that you waited for Santa. To be honest, I think we’re all winging it so you shouldn’t feel like a fraud. Every family celebrates Christmas in a different way. I thought it was really odd when I spent my first Christmas with my husbands family as I thought everyone did it like my mum. We all make our own version and whatever you want Christmas to look like it can now be! X

  11. Julia
    November 6, 2016 / 7:18 am

    Very honest post that accurately describes many people’s experience even though they don’t ( or can’t ) talk about it for fear of consequences!

  12. November 6, 2016 / 7:52 am

    Wow this is such a brilliantly written post. I hope you feel better having shared it. Christmas us such a difficult time for lots of reasons but the pressure to provide the perfect Christmas is ridiculous. You should be proud that you have and are giving wonderful memories and that now you can relax and enjoy it properly.

  13. November 6, 2016 / 8:10 am

    Wow that was beautiful. I had two friends in (I assume) the same religion when I was a child. I know their parents bought them gifts after Christmas so they wouldn’t feel so left out. I never imagined that they were waiting for santa :'(

    As others have said Christmas is what you make it and you aren’t faking it anymore than any one else is.

  14. November 6, 2016 / 8:23 am

    I don’t think you are a “fraud”. A Christmas tradition can be started at any time? It just so happens that you are one the initiated your family traditions. Good on you!

    It is sad to hear you didn’t get to celebrate Christmas or birthday. But, it sounds like you are making up for it now. So you go and eat cookies, wrap presents and eat cake ’till your heart is content!

    X

  15. November 6, 2016 / 8:37 am

    You are absolutely not alone in this. I know many people that are in the exact same boat. One of my best friends only got out in her mid 20s and she now makes a big Christmas effort every year too. I’m so glad you’re now free.
    Louise Pink Pear Bear recently posted…Bensons Totally Fruity review and giveawayMy Profile

  16. November 6, 2016 / 11:36 am

    Amazing post. I know you feel like your faking it, but actually you’ve made it just the way you want it and I’m sure your kids love it. It must be so cathartic to have said it all out loud though. Getting it written dish is the best thing xx

  17. Rebecca - Mother of the Circus
    November 6, 2016 / 12:09 pm

    Aww. I want to go back and give your younger self and sister a present every Christmas morning just so you don’t feel that disappointment or feel different to the other children. I don’t think your a fraud now I think your having family Christmas’ how you feel you should have had them, your now in control of how you want to spend Christmas instead of being bound by a religion that as a child you didn’t choose. X

  18. November 6, 2016 / 1:45 pm

    I really feel for you, as a child my family was not big on celebrations, birthdays didn’t even come with cake, but we did do Christmas. I do the ‘over-the-top’ celebrations now because we didn’t do much of that as a child, but I couldn’t imagine not doing it at all. That must’ve been so hard. I don’t think you’re a faker or a fraud at all, we all have to discover how best to celebrate in our own ways, feel completely free and at ease to create your own traditions and memories, we do xx

  19. November 6, 2016 / 5:38 pm

    You are no more a fraud than any of us pretending we love being out and about with crying children but rather be at home curled under a blanket. Your story broke my heart x I want you to have a wonderful FREE Christmas this year where you let yourself be honest and enjoy it freely. I have a friend who never had Xmas presents too. She told us when we were about 15 and we all cried . She now has three children and an Xmas the Who’s of Whosville would be proud of. Let that little girl inside you have a happy Christmas this year-spoil her. Even if it just for us bloggers to read about xx
    fancy recently posted…How to Theme a One Year Old’s Party for Halloween…My Profile

  20. November 6, 2016 / 6:55 pm

    Aww this is really moving. I feel sorry for the young Fi, that must have been really hard for you. Please don’t feel like a fraud for wanting to get in the festive spirit though, I think it just shows you’ve just been trying to fit in, and that’s all I ever want to do! Definitely be kind to yourself and just enjoy making your own Christmas traditions with your family now. xx

  21. November 6, 2016 / 7:20 pm

    As all the ladies have said above me! There is no need to repeat it all. Your awesome, your children think your awesome whatever you are doing on Christmas day xxxx
    love Kate @ Grace and Bloom xx

  22. November 6, 2016 / 9:03 pm

    A beautifully written piece on such a tough area for you. I do hope your Christmases will become better. I have seen what this religion has done. I can understand people having there own beliefs but don’t force it upon your children. Xx
    Rachel Bustin recently posted…New Mum Stories: Mum & MorMy Profile

  23. November 6, 2016 / 9:19 pm

    What a brave post! Welldone for being able to write so open and honestly. I hope you feel like a weight has lifted now your ‘secret’ is out 🙂 xx

  24. November 8, 2016 / 6:00 am

    I have a super complicated relationship with Christmas too; my 2-year old toddler is obsessed with everything Christmas and Santa Claus, but a) I’m Jewish, b) I grew up associating Christmas and Easter with getting told in school that I killed Jesus and getting shunned, c) Christmas was the traditional time for pogroms in Eastern Europe; so I always felt like even if I went to a friend’s Xmas celebrations I was disrespecting my ancestors’ struggles.

    So I decided I’m definitely not going to have a Xmas tree in my house or celebrate it myself (my mum would have a heart attack, for one thing lol) but I am still going to take my little girl to see Xmas lights and encourage her to feel comfortable at friends’ Xmas parties and that kind of thing. I’ve decided to see it as no different from going to, for example, Diwali festivities – it’s not part of our family culture but we can enjoy celebrating other people’s culture with our friends. And hopefully her friends will be interested in her culture and festivals too; we’ll maintain our identity and be part of the diversity that makes the world a fun place to be, and we’ll celebrate both our similarities and differences with our neighbours.

    I think we might also participate in Christmastime volunteer initiatives so that she can associate it with the best aspect of the holiday: goodwill to all men!

    So yes, Father Christmas will still be passing our house by, but she will be able to eat a whole lot of latkes around the same time of year so hopefully she won’t notice lol

  25. November 8, 2016 / 10:32 pm

    Beautiful post. You’re not a fraud. I hope you can move past your feelings and truly enjoy the festivities in your own way x
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  26. November 9, 2016 / 12:08 pm

    You know more about Christmas than you give yourself credit for. You know what it is to not have it and therefore you know how special it really is. It’s so sad that Santa never came to you. Now you get to make your own family traditions! Completely from scratch, that’s quite special. You are not a fraud and in a few years you will have spent less time not celebrating it that actually celebrating it. I did celebrate Christmas when I was little but it makes more sense to me now I have children of my own. I find it even more exciting, so perhaps celebrating as a mother you even less of a ‘fraud’. I hope you can enjoy it this year x

  27. November 9, 2016 / 12:08 pm

    You know more about Christmas than you give yourself credit for. You know what it is to not have it and therefore you know how special it really is. It’s so sad that Santa never came to you. Now you get to make your own family traditions! Completely from scratch, that’s quite special. You are not a fraud and in a few years you will have spent less time not celebrating it that actually celebrating it. I did celebrate Christmas when I was little but it makes more sense to me now I have children of my own. I find it even more exciting, so perhaps celebrating as a mother you even less of a ‘fraud’. I hope you can enjoy it this year x

  28. November 12, 2016 / 8:36 am

    This is such a sad and sweet post. Tiredness made me shed a tear too. Must have been so tough as a kid to be deprived of that fun. Not really fair. It doesn’t sound like you’re a fraud at all though, not least because you’ve had over a decade of Christmases to look back on.

    For about 12 years as a kid Christmas was always a couple of days when my parents would have a huge fight. But it’s still my favourite holiday since I can remember all the good years before it and after with my wive’s family (where we now always have Christmas). Focusing on those good times only, like the ones you have, makes it great for us and our babies. Sounds like you’re doing a great job letting them enjoy Christmas and hopefully can relax and enjoy it more yourself now ☺️
    #fortheloveofblog

  29. November 12, 2016 / 8:58 am

    I remember having a friend at school who was in a similar situation. She did eventually make her own way, but for years she was afraid of what would happen if she dared speak out. It’s so amazing that you have written this post on such an emotive topic. Raising awareness can make a real difference to lives.

    #fortheloveofBLOG
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  30. November 12, 2016 / 10:07 am

    Such an honest post. I feel for your younger self. I had a friend in school who also wasn’t allowed to celebrate Christmas or Birthdays, and he wasn’t even allowed to take part in the school assembly because of his religion. I always felt so bad for him because he was left out of a lot of school things and events and it really broke my heart. We cannot judge anybody because of their religion but this one is particularly difficult for youngsters.
    #fortheloveofBLOG
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  31. November 12, 2016 / 10:32 am

    Such beautiful post despite its sadness. You’re not a fraud. Even my husbands family have traditions different to mine and I pretend to knowi why they’re doing what they’re doing. Wishing you a very merry Christmas x #fortheloveofblog

  32. November 12, 2016 / 10:49 am

    Oh bless you sweetheart, i know its not meant to be a sad post but it makes my heart ache a bit for you. Christmas magic is something that I’ve always enjoyed and as a child i was obsessed by santa, i don’t know how you coped all those years longing for just one single present. I hope you get lots now to make up for it. we started making our own family traditions when our lg arrived and carrying on the ones we have in my family eg…midnight mass, open one present before bed (pjs) stocking on the end of the bed and then a new bell for phoebe every year, jingle jingle! christmas is about love and happiness and as long as you feel that then its christmas my dear…. do you watch christmas films??? lots of love and thanks for sharing must have been hard for you babe x #fortheloveoBLOG

  33. November 12, 2016 / 11:02 am

    This is such a brave post. It must have been so hard as a child for you. Being singled out for any reason is horrible, but this must have been awful. Seeing your kids happy will make you happy and you will definitely get to a point where you realize you are not faking it any more x
    #fortheloveofBLOG
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  34. November 12, 2016 / 3:32 pm

    Oh, this really made me cry. I think when we become parents we have a right of passage if you will; we leave behind whatever version of Christmas we grew up with and we create a new one, our own version based on what we want Christmas to be for our children. It sounds like your kids are very lucky, you are doing what basically every parent naturally tries to do in one way or another: giving them the things you never had. xx #fortheloveofblog
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  35. November 12, 2016 / 3:51 pm

    What a beautiful, moving post which must have been very hard to write but hopefully cathartic too. It must have been so difficult as a child to miss out – especially about Christmas. But you now can write your own future and your own traditions. I hope you don’t feel like a fake anymore. And it sounds like you are giving your children the most amazing Christmases x #fortheloveofBLOG

  36. November 12, 2016 / 5:26 pm

    Sending you a huge hug.. #fortheloveofblog

  37. November 12, 2016 / 8:50 pm

    Such a powerful post – and one I read with tears in my eyes! I can’t begin to imagine what it was like growing up as you did, but I can empathise with the feel of faking it at Christmas time. My children came home last year, 5 months before Christmas, so my first time being a mum at Christmas was with a 3 and 5 year old. I felt as though I was just pretending the whole day – it didn’t feel right and I didn’t enjoy one minute of it – it all felt so wrong and fake and false. I cried solidly for the whole of Christmas morning, hiding in my bedroom so the children didn’t see. But hopefully for me, and for you, this year we can put that behind us and begin to feel the spirit and feel as though we are fully part of it, rather than smiling and faking our way through another year. #fortheloveofblog
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  38. November 12, 2016 / 9:18 pm

    This makes me feel sad, I can imagine how hard it was as a child at Christmas time, when every other child you know gets a visit from santa you would feel like you’re missing out. At least now as an adult you can make sure your children are able to feel the magic that comes this time of year and they won’t feel left out! #fortheloveofblog
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  39. November 13, 2016 / 1:06 pm

    I shed a few tears reading this. The last thing you should feel is shame. I can’t imagine anyone pointing a finger at you for being deprived of Christmas in the past. I hope you have the best ever this year. Lots of hugs and Christmas wishes xx #fortheloveofBLOG
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  40. November 13, 2016 / 1:08 pm

    The fact that you didn’t celebrate Christmas as a child doesn’t make you a fraud in my eyes. I feel for you, it must have been hard as a kid. I’m glad you’re now able to create all the Christmas magic for your own children #ForTheLoveOfBlog
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  41. November 13, 2016 / 2:45 pm

    You are definitely not a Christmas fraud! I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been as a child not celebrating Christmas whilst those around you were in the festive spirit. But everyone changes throughout their life and now you are an adult you celebrate Christmas and it’s as much ‘yours’ as it is anyone else’s. I think it’s beautiful that you invest so much energy into making Christmas wonderful for your children. I have become a bit jaded by Christmas over the years but this has reminded me to value the celebration a bit more!

    With over a decade of Christmases under your belt, you’re no longer faking. You’re doing your celebration your way. And I’m certain that your husband and children have a wonderful time with you!

    Looking forward to your Christmas Gifts Guide too 🙂 xx

    #fortheloveofBLOG
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  42. November 13, 2016 / 11:12 pm

    I’m sorry that you didn’t get to experience the Christmas magic as a child. But if anything it ensures that your children will grow up feeling it every year and I’ve no doubt that this year will be extra special! Thank you for sharing, it’s actually made me want to make my little ones Christmas extra magical this year. He won’t believe forever, so while he does, it’s right to make it special. #fortheloveofBLOG
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  43. November 14, 2016 / 7:19 am

    On some level I can identify with this. Part of my family are most likely, a part of said religion, whilst the other half are quite firmly athiest so Christmas just didn’t feel all that wonderful to me as I was growing up. I try and make a lot more effort now we have Evie and as she’s at school there’s more of a festive build up. A real honest Christmas sounds like a great plan too. I hope it’s a good one for you and your family.

  44. November 14, 2016 / 11:09 am

    aww Fi what an honest and open post. I just cant imagine waking up on Christmas morning as a child and not having anything. I cant imagine not celebrating Christmas when everyone around is. Such a shame you never got to experience that magic as a child. My boy is three now and in that zone where he really believes and is super excited. i cant imagine him not having that fun. Big hugs Fi and heres to a lovely Christmas for you and your family xx #fortheloveofBLOG
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  45. November 14, 2016 / 3:45 pm

    Wow! I want to reach out from my computer and through yours and give you a big hug! That must have been so tough, having to go to school and not be able to share your Christmas with anyone! And then faking past Christmases how did you do it? You aren’t winging it, and you are not a fraud at all, your giving your kids truly magical Christmases. I tell you what – I can’t wait to read your bloggers gift guide, bet it’s going to be awesome!
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  46. November 14, 2016 / 9:56 pm

    I am sobbing my heart out reading this (Take That singing Never Forget in the background isn’t helping either!) This is such a brave post and I hope it was as cathartic as you need it to be.

    I cannot begin to imagine how tough Christmas is for you but your children will be so proud of you when you share this with them in years to come.

    Don’t consider yourself as winging it, you’re creating a new Christmas for your own little tribe x #ForTheLoveOfBlog
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  47. November 15, 2016 / 6:08 am

    Thank you for being so honest and open Fi – this is a very moving piece of writing and I hope that you felt better after writing this post (much better than if you’d done your what to buy at Xmas thing instead). It just shows that we must try and empathise with those who’s families don’t celebrate Christmas and be mindful of how they may be feeling. #fortheloveofBLOG
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  48. November 15, 2016 / 10:41 pm

    Wow what a brave and lovely post to write!! I am sure you do what is best for you and your family now and whatever that may be, you will have a lovely Christmas together! #fortheloveofblog
    Busy Working Mummy recently posted…Why Mental Health is so importantMy Profile

  49. November 16, 2016 / 1:24 pm

    Great post and thank you so much for giving all of us readers an insight into your christmas story. It’s yours and very personal:)

    mainy

    #fortheloveofblog
    mainy – myrealfairy recently posted…It’s A Winner!My Profile

  50. November 18, 2016 / 7:47 pm

    I’ve read this post twice because as others have said there is a rawness about it. I know you didn’t want to make people feel sad, but it did make me feel sad for you only because you had such high hopes and then you were disappointed. I’m sure that this Christmas is going to be fabulous. You’re not a fraud at all, we are all winging it in one way or another. You just need to remember family, friends and fun and everything will be perfect xx

    #FortheloveofBlog

    Ps. Your hair looks lovely 🙂

  51. November 19, 2016 / 6:58 am

    I think you are so brave to write this piece. I hope that this year you can feel more at peace and enjoy the togetherness of your family without feeling that internal pressure to ‘fake’ it. Sorry I’m late with my comments from last week, but I’m so glad I got to catch up! Your story is so moving, and I hope it inspired many readers to be open and honest in their writing, and be themselves. #fortheloveofBLOG
    Kate recently posted…Why Distracting Your Child From Having Tantrums Makes Parenting HarderMy Profile

  52. November 25, 2016 / 12:27 am

    What a brave and moving post – well done for having the courage to share. Have a wonderful Christmas this year – you deserve it! x

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