It was always just the two of us.
You and I. Mama and baba. Then Mother and son as you got older and it became oh so uncool to use the word ‘Mama’.
We went everywhere together. We shared in-jokes. We shared food. You always wanted the last chip and I always gave it to you.
We cuddled up at the weekend’s to watch the same silly movies. We even travelled the country – up and down. Sometimes further. Canada was such an adventure wasn’t it?
I read with you. We sang loudly to the car radio. We laughed til’ we cried. We fell out and we made up.
I taught you everything I know about the world and about human nature.
You taught me more.
Even when a new man came along in my life, it was still really just about us. Just the two of us and I think you secretly liked that. You knew and I knew that no man could hold my heart like you do.
And then one day I broke the news that our team was going to have a new member. You were excited but cautious. I could feel your hesitancy and you could feel mine. Neither of us really said how we felt, we just held each other a bit tighter, hoping that nothing would change.
Being the adult I knew that it would change a little, that we would have to make room for her and we have. She brings a new level of joy, hope and love. And noise – she’s quite a noisy sister isn’t she?
Sophie arrived and I promised you that it would be no different between us. That it would still be us, the two of us – that I would have all the time for you that I always have.
But things did change though didn’t they?
I don’t know how it happened. I tried so hard to keep it the same but I feel the distance between us now. It crept in with the sleepless nights somehow.
You’re sitting in your room a lot more in the evening’s these days. I try to respect your privacy but I feel that the closed bedroom door is becoming symbolic of the emotional one blocking our team path. Sometimes I come into your room just to chat like I used to. Only these days, you don’t seem to want me there. I feel the space between us.
I miss you. I miss our team. I miss it being just the two of us.
I’m sorry I have been such a grump lately. I’m just so tired. It’s not your fault though and I shouldn’t be such a grumpy old badger to you my love.
Because you are my love you know? My whole heart and soul has been yours since the moment you arrived in this world. I think it always will be. Not cool I know but maybe you will think of these words when you sit there playing your games.
Things have changed, Sophie is here and we are making room for her in our team but I haven’t forgotten. I will never forget that first it was us – just the two of us. In my heart it still is some days.
Don’t forget either okay?
You once told me when you were a very little boy that there was an invisible string attaching your heart to mine – an unbreakable one. Remember?
It’s still there you know. I still feel it’s tug when you close the door.
It’s no longer just the two of us and you know what? That’s ok. Things have to evolve eventually and we are so lucky to have your sister. We wouldn’t have it any other way but it doesn’t mean we don’t miss the old days. I think it’s ok to feel both things really.
But no matter what, you will always be my shipmate, my team, my boy.
And I will always be your Mum, sitting here saving the last chip for you.