Today has been a bad day.
And so, today I’m going to be honest.
You see, I miss my baby.
I miss her so much when I’m away from her that it’s like an actual physical pain. A large knotted feeling in the back of my throat where my tears collect. It has consumed me since I returned from maternity leave and today for some reason I’ve allowed it to swallow me whole.
I knew it would be a bad day because when Monday crept up on me, so did the familiar feeling of dread.
Yesterday was spent inhaling every single second with her, wishing that I could press a pause button on the day. When Tuesday rolled around (my first day in the office) I had already braced myself for impact, knowing that I was going to struggle.
And struggle I have.
When my alarm went off I thought about calling in sick. I didn’t do it.
When the shower went on I thought about ringing my mortgage company to ask for a break on my payments so I could lower my outgoings. I didn’t do it.
When I woke her and inhaled her soft, warm, squishy babyness I thought about handing in my resignation and making do somehow. I didn’t do it.
When I left her to go to work I thought about howling like I had lost my right arm. I did do that.
All day I thought about her. Missed her. Wanted to bury my face in her sticky little kisses.
What was she doing? What did she eat for her lunch? Was she throwing food at Grandma too? Was she causing bum-shuffling devastation or playing nicely with her books?
Did her heart hurt a little when she opened her eyes from her nap to find it wasn’t Mummy looking back at her?
Did she miss me too and wonder where I had gone?
I’m sure she did. You inherently know these things about your children because they are a part of you and you them.
Tomorrow will be worse. I am due to go away on a business trip – just for the day but it’s long enough that I will leave too early and return too late to see her.
I find that thought unbearable right now. Unnatural.
I don’t have the answers apart from that I know that I have to suck it up and get on with it.
So tomorrow I will plaster on a fake smile and shut away the part of me that wants to resign, run home and scoop my baby up in my arms again. I will shut out the mother in me. That’s what you have to do to survive the bad days.
And today was a bad day.