My Kids Are Tearing My Hair Out. Literally.

So you know I love my kids, right? Kinda goes without saying.

But guys, they are driving me CRAZY!!

Seriously.  This week it’s like they have both been possessed by Peppa and George simultaneously and have become more tiresome and annoying than I thought it possible to be. Turns out that there is a reason that Mummy Pig looks like she ate all the pies (comfort eating – I hear ya sister) and why Daddy Pig looks like he needs that newfound Advanced Tricho Pigmentation Treatment malarkey. Because their kids are being little swines just like mine.

If one isn’t asking me incessant, inane questions just to then contradict my answer then the other one is screaming like an extra from the Excorcist FOR NO REASON. Usually though, they perform this “please shut the f**k up” sequence in tandem, each raising their voice a little louder than the other until I want to lie down, face first in a vat of wine.

Achieving even the most simple household chore has been akin to getting through the Crystal Maze with quick fire tween questions and howling infant obstacles along the way.

I am so sick of hearing that incessant shrieking noise. Do any of your children make this high pitched wailing noise? It doesn’t matter if they don’t because wherever you live, you’ll still be able to hear Sophie’s!


I get that its attention seeking to some extent and so I stop daring to fold laundry or make dinner in her presence and pick her up for the millionth time. Then the slap in the face comes.


My daughter is slapping me in the face and once landed, using her pincer sharp paws to grab and squeeze. It fucking hurts. STOP THAT.

She goes down again and begins the bum shuffling, world domination that she had been plotting.

“Muuuum? Do you know why there are leap years?”

Folding laundry and ignoring the fact that Sophie is emptying the shoe rack one minging football boot at a time I smile and say in my best Pinterest Mum voice “Hmm yes I’m sure it’s something to do with there being more than 365 days in a year”.

“No Mum. It’s because there are 365.4 days in a year and so they add the 0.4 days together once every 4 years to make an extra day”.

“Right. Isn’t that what I just said?” “Sophie stop licking the shoes”.


Right ok.


And so on.

I have absolutely no point to this post other than to vent my frustrations because I know that you have undoubtedly have had days where you’ve wanted to drown in a vat of wine too. I promised I would share with you the highs and lows of parenting and so here it is. It’s been a rotten week and I’ve been a less than average parent. I’ve no solutions – just the hope you will stand in the bad mums corner in solidarity with me for a bit.

It’s the weekend now and they are all tucked away in their beds for the night. Amen to that. I hope that tomorrow will be better and I will raise a glass to you this evening if your kids are being little swines also.




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1 Comment

  1. January 17, 2017 / 06:53

    Hello Fiona

    Thank you for this lovely post. Today, women are forever troubled by the prospect of child-rearing because it appears to rob them of time and opportunity. This is what my sister was complaining about. Yet I can’t be too sympathetic because she really wanted a baby in her life and she was fortunate enough to welcome a healthy baby boy into her family’s life. The truth is that the joy of having a child is associated with a huge responsibility. It can be scary to think that parents are responsible for their babies’ well-being, but actually it’s simple. Babies require satisfaction of some basic needs and it is the consistent response they receive throughout early childhood and afterwards that helps them to establish order in their lives. Order is naturally nurtured and, hopefully, mothers can enjoy child-rearing without imposing upon themselves a deadline to achieve fame and success in society. For better or worse, in our society mothering is not the path to gain anything but inner satisfaction for oneself and one’s family. And if one has such family values, then there is little to be ambivalent about mothering.

    My best to you in your endeavors.
    Isabelle Clover recently posted…Health and beauty benefits of zucchiniMy Profile

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