I’m having a love / hate relationship with my body and diet again. I say “again” because I’ve written about body image before on the blog, which you can read about here.
Actually, it’s more of a hate / hate relationship this week. I’ve returned from holiday, carrying just a few pounds of excess baggage and I’m not talking about my suitcases (although there is definitely some ‘junk in the trunk’).
If you go off my BMI (body mass index) then I’m not really overweight. At 24.9, I’m teetering on the edge of healthy weight / overweight. Basically, I’m one sausage roll away from fat. In myself, though I’m feeling huge. I hate that.
Now, depending on which day you catch me on, I will say one of the following things about my weight:
- “I only had a baby 6 (lies it’s 7) months ago.”
- “I’m at least two stone overweight. It’s disgusting.”
- “I’m not bothered, I think I look fine (more lies).”
- “I’m proud of my body – I’ve grown two human beings in it!”
You get the picture.
My opinion about my body image, yo-yo’s almost as much as my weight does. I know that we are always our own worst critic. I also know that if I had a girlfriend who was complaining about being fat, then I would be telling her she was crazy and that she looked beautiful. I would also probably refer her back to point number 1 above. That’s what we do isn’t it? We shred our own self-esteem to pieces internally whilst bigging up our female friends in some sort of sisterly solidarity. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for bigging each other up. I just wish I could do it to myself.
The thing is, I know how to lose weight. I know how to lose weight quickly, Beyoncé and Cayenne Pepper stylee and I know how to lose weight sensibly and sustainably. My book shelf is a whose who of dieting guru’s and I am a complete sucker for the glossy covers of Weight Watchers or Slimming World magazines. In fact, I have actually joined both of those programmes several times to no avail. It’s not that those programmes don’t work – more that I don’t ever stick to them for longer than a week. Seriously. A week is the maximum staying power that I have over a diet. So I suppose you could say I am a serial dieter who can’t commit. Speaking of cereal, I lost quite a bit of weight on that diet once.
Anyway, I digress and I’m rambling as usual. My point is just that I wish I had the motivation to stick at a diet or make healthy eating choices. I’ve tried pretty much everything so I suppose the fact that I always lapse and do something stupid like stuff my face with a loaf of bread (yep, seriously done this once after a no-carb week) means that there is something else going on with me. If, as a very slim teenager, I still thought I was chunky then it can’t really be about my actual weight can it?
I know someone who lost a lot of weight recently. They did it all the right way, slowly and healthily (Weight Watchers if you must know) and they were about half their pre-diet size. They were also a lot less fun to go for lunch with but that’s a different point entirely. Anyway, I asked her how she felt when she reached that elusive “goal weight”.
Elated? Empowered? Sexy? More confident? Nope. Do you know what she said to me?
“I felt no different then when I was fatter.” Boom.
That was my revelation really. She felt NO DIFFERENT.
Bit of an anti-climax isn’t it?
Basically, if you don’t fix whatever is causing you to feel shitty from the inside (and I’m talking in your head not your stomach) then no amount of juicing, cleansing, detoxing or weight loss will make you feel better. It’s that simple.
Don’t get me wrong – this revelation hasn’t made me feel better about my one-sausage-roll-away-from-fat backside but it has made me realise that I need to figure out a way to appreciate and love myself as I am before tackling any excess pounds. Otherwise, when
if I get to a comfortable weight, I simply won’t appreciate it.
So that’s where I’m at. I feel fat and a bit shitty about my body right now so yes, I’m going to step away from the M&M’s for a bit but ultimately I am going to have to work on loving myself the way I am. Wobbly bottom, belly rolls, double chins and all. I have no idea where to start or how to go about this but I’m going to give it a go.
Lets hope it lasts for longer than a week because I think perhaps that this will be the hardest diet of them all.
Wish me luck?